Wow, only five months in to 2023 and I already feel like a failure. Something I am sure that many of us have felt at one time or another, right? I wanted to blog once a week. I wanted to record at least one podcast – until I recorded one and realized how much editing takes after 30 minutes. I wanted to have already reached out to youth leaders in my area, heard their stories and about how God is moving in their church, youth group, and kids. I wanted my website to have over 2 views, of which one is me… As I reflected on why I haven’t done any of this, I realized I just wanted this to be easy. I had expected it to be easy.
I can come up with a million excuses. I have dyslexia, and I really don’t like reading and writing as much as solving math equations and research. I already have a full time job and I am trying to prepare a staff and church for a change in our leadership coming up in July (lead pastor) and then again in late Summer/early Fall (me). I am trying to be healthy, go on walks, meditate, and pray. I am trying to keep a 1960’s house on a major road clean and dust free. I am trying to make time for friends and family. I am trying to meet with students and families over their spring break, or really any time they can find free in hectic schedules! I am trying to prepare for Holy Week and a Mission Trip.
*Panting*... Do we all feel this way? Do moms, dads, pastors, laity, bishops, kids, teens, youth leaders and volunteers all feel this way? Well, yes. At least those who are honest with themselves do. There is so much to do, see, and be a part of in life. But, maybe we need to pause and take a moment, as I’m finding that I need to. What is most important to you? What brings you joy and life? How does your heart break for your world?
I am not so sure as I grow more into my own theology and see the world around me that the Earthly desires that I was told about as a youth are the earthly desires that threaten our church and community. I think we are drawn in so many different directions because we do not know who we are or know what we truly want. I see many families exhausted because they will not put their foot down to the demands of extracurriculars. I see families that need a break so badly that they would much rather be outside of their community, avoiding time together with their church family on Sunday, because they had sports all day on Saturday. I see leaders in the church drawn to complaining about one another and the congregation they’re a part of rather than encouraging and empowering them. I see people that look for comfy jobs with great pay rather than doing what God has given them the gifts, talents, abilities, and passions to do. I’m frustrated by these distractions and obstacles we’ve let ourselves be burdened by. But I am most upset with myself. As an Enneagram Type 1, I know that the problems I see in the world just reflect what I am most unhappy with.
So, I need to slow down and recalibrate. To take inventory of my life and time, to set new goals. Maybe most importantly, to offer some grace to myself and reflect on everything that I have been able to do in the past four months rather than what I haven’t: My wife and I bought a new travel trailer and pick-up truck for our travels around Indiana, and the country!, in late Summer/early Fall October. We’re going to meet with Youth Leaders who have found their “Branching Road” that is bringing life, peace, hope, and truth to their youth and community. I was able to host my whole family for Easter this year, no small feat with four dogs and a baby. I’ve been equipping new members in our church to come and walk alongside our youth and families. I have been reading and being inspired by the writings of Brian McLaren in his book Generous Orthodoxy, my first deep read of something since college where my experiences of reading left a bad taste in my mouth. I have researched over 1,200 churches in the state of Indiana to see if they have a youth group/sunday school/outing/leaders/staff and if they have a website. I’ve accomplished so much!
While I’m not where I wanted to be by this time, I am making steps in the right direction. I am taking a breath and looking ahead to what opportunities are before me. I hope in all of this blathering you may find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your anguishing of seeing all the things that could have been, rather than your appreciating of all the things that are.
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